Helvetica Wilson

The tale of a precocious young boy

A School Assignment

Helvetica Wilson was a small boy, always being picked on by the meanie-beanie bullies. Jake Ryan, the meanest of all, had just been giving Helvetica his Afternoon Butt Delight™ treatment, when–not unlike Pythagoras–he had the most spectacular revelation. As if his buttocks were a humans’ punching bag, the merciless force of Jake’s blows was too much. Each pounding thrust made Helvetica wince in pain. It was then that Helvetica knew just what he would be doing for this year’s Science Fair. When Jake was satisfied and Helvetica stopped crying, he made his way towards the nurse’s office. It had been a strange day.

Science Fairs in Middleton High were rarely exciting–aside from the year one child nearly blew up the gymnasium. It caused such a commotion, he was awarded third place for “Most Intriguing” science project. That year was also the year Helvetica met his now-best friend, Luke Wellington. They had been eating in the cafeteria, as normal, when–by complete twist of fate–a little girl spilt her tray, bumping into Luke, and sending him reeling backwards, only to eventually find surface at Helvetica’s table. “Hi,” he said with a nervous smile. Both being nerds, they quickly found conversation on the topic of “polynomials and their use in rocketry.” The surrounding children fled to a nearby table.

Though nerds are often, well, unpopular, Helvetica and Luke were nothing but “cool,” given they never strayed within range of the “real cool” kids. As long as they stayed with other geeks, freaks, and nerds, they were safe. That is, unless, a particularly punch-hungry bully doesn’t venture his way to them. If that happened, the nerds were… actually prepared! Yes, they had plans–evasive plans that were designed to protect everybody from any danger. Earthquakes, fires, tornadoes, and the most common, bullies, were all covered. These plans were the real reason why Luke and Helvetica were so not-unpopular. The nerds love them! From second grade–when they invented the plans–and on, they were considered Geek Gods.

But lately there had been some questioning. The nerds were tired, hungry for more great ideas from Helvetica and Luke. They needed something new to keep them occupied–math can get boring once in a while. So, the two geniuses thought and waited, and thought and waited, and thought and waited, and finally it came–in a punch! Yes, it was then, as Jake pounded on Helvetica’s rear, that they had the best idea. It maybe wasn’t as good as their famed “plans,” but it was sure to give the brainy-community a boost.

The idea: Helvetica and Luke would build a sort of protector, a shield, that would be worn on your butt. Lighter than a sheet of metal and thinner than a pillow, it was the most practical solution to guard one’s hindquarters. They would call it, “The Booty Blocker,” or “The Asshield.” Either way, it would definitely make the nerds happy. No more bruised, bloody bottoms for them! This was an end to the bullies’ tyranny. Now, the tormentors that once ruled the halls of Middleton would cower, clutching their hurt knuckles.

The only problem? Building the thing. All the ideas were there: Add-on cup holder, extendable waistband, elastic leg couplings, etcetera. But they still needed a method to build it. Finally, after hours of consideration, they decided they’d need help, and they knew just the kids to help them.

They were called The Glue Crew, and for a good reason. With their welding, soldering, and, of course, glue skills, they could build just about anything. The group was infamous among the nerd community. Helvetica and Luke scheduled–yes, scheduled–a meeting with them, hoping they had some way to build their epic butt-bouncer. When the time came and the crew was free, they met. Just as the two boys had thought, their welding friends had just the right thing. Both teams arranged for a work-period. It was all coming together quite nicely.

The next weekend, everybody got together to work on the project. They finished it in less time they had thought it would take, using a mere fourteen hours of sweaty labor. But one thing remained unsaid: the Glue Crew wanted money for their work. What?! Helvetica and Luke were astounded by this, but were just as glad to dish out the payment. “It was worth it,” they said in unison. Everyone was happy.

Helvetica and Luke went on that Monday to achieve utter awesomeness, winning 1^st place in the science fair and an even greater Godliness than they had had before. If there were a nerd Hall of Fame, the two boys would be instantly admitted. Wait a minute–there is a nerd Hall of Fame! And yes, Helvetica and Luke went down in Middleton history as the boys who ended the Bully Regime.